No Means No

project unbreakable

At least where I come from, no means no. No does not in any way mean, “sure, go ahead, don’t mind me.” So why is it that our culture is now partially built on the notion that when a person says no, there is actually a hidden meaning or veiled desire? If a guy, or a girl, says they do not want to have sex, they do not want to have sex. It is simple, and not questionable. And it most certainly is not up for negotiation. I bring this to the table for more reasons than I care to enumerate. But why don’t we start with the final straw of the day. My breaking point. The straw that brought me to unquestionable outrage.

Note: This is not a book review, but an out cry against a cultural phenomenon.

Melissa Gorga, “Real Housewives of New Jersey” Star, has recently published a book, Love, Italian Style: The Secrets of My Hot and Happy Marriage, in which she details the ways for a woman to keep her husband happy, and telling husbands to ignore the word no, when they ask their wives for sex.

Men, I know you think your woman isn’t the type who wants to be taken. But trust me, she is. Every girl wants to get her hair pulled once in a while. If your wife says “no,” turn her around, and rip her clothes off. She wants to be dominated. Women don’t realize how easy men are. Just give us what we want.

Frankly, I can’t find any of that quote that isn’t utterly appalling. In no world is it acceptable to go against your spouse’s wishes. Or anyone’s for that matter. If someone says no, you take their word for it, and don’t interpret it to mean anything else. I can think of too many girls who never want their hair pulled, or their clothes ripped off. There are entire movements happening to make these victims, women and men, heal. Project Unbreakable being one of the best (Trigger Warning for their photos: Rape/Sexual Assault.) Heartbreaking, but worth a long look, and even longer consideration. But as you can read, from their experiences, No means No. But without hearing first-hand accounts, you should know that condoning this behavior, or partaking in it, is unacceptable. No means no, but even silence does not equate to consent.

The frustration that her words bring me cannot settle in my stomach. She has yet to retract her message publicized in this book. Gorga even plans a tour to further promote her book. Why no one is stopping her is beyond anything I can imagine. Why no one stopped her from publishing in the first place is equally beyond what my mind is capable of fathoming. Regardless of the fact that Gorga and her husband lead a life in such a way, bear in mind the message being said, and what is being heard. Gorga and her husband have a marriage all their own, and should not necessarily be emulated. Regardless of marital status in a relationship, non-consensual sex is rape, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

So, Gorga is beyond her scope in saying what she has. Admittedly, I haven’t read her book. And now, not only do I deplore her book, I want to remove it from every bookshelf in New York City, and have it burned. Solely from this passage. I know, I am speaking outrageously, but, in the same breath, I am not. If anyone wants to be dominated in their sexual life, they have every right to say so. And they still have every right to say no. But it is their right to tell their partner so. Whoever you are out there, remember consent is always required, always necessary. Anything less is rape.

Photo credit: Project Unbreakable


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